I'm 25 and I've been having a really hard time with everything. I am an unemployed loser. I finished my Bachelor's degree in 2013 and I have no idea what to do now because my career prospects are limited and I have no work or life experience (it's hard to find work when you have neither). I have no friends, I've never been in a relationship, and I feel really lonely all the time. It breaks my heart every time I'm around people and I see them laughing, and happy, enjoying each other's company, and I'm just this sponge sucking it all up and ruining everyone else's day. Always being asked if I'm "okay" or if everything is alright, and all I want to do is scream NO IM NOT ALRIGHT, PLEASE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, GO BACK TO YOUR FRIENDS AND THE PEOPLE YOU ACTUALLY LOVE AND CARE ABOUT. What am I to her? What am I to them? What am I to anyone? I'm fucking worthless and I don't deserve to be here.
I struggle with social anxiety so I can't even bring myself to leave the house most days. I don't want to be seen by people, even my neighbours, because it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I live at home with my parents who love and support me unconditionally, but I feel like such a loser because they don't ask much of me and I feel like I'm taking advantage of them. I'm fucking worthless and I've been crying again for the second time today. I wish I didn't exist and I sincerely hope I die soon. I would never commit suicide because I can't do that to my family -- they've been nothing but good to me my whole life, putting up with a fucking loser son/little brother and they don't deserve that. I'm nothing and I want nothing more than to just disappear and not exist any more, and not have to live with myself and my thoughts any more. I want everything to just stop, I'm tired of hurting all the time, and I'm tired of being tired all the time, and I'm tired of being worthless, but I know I'll always be worthless and my life is never going to amount to anything. Why do I exist at all? I never asked to be born and I never chose the life I have. I wish I could give my life to another, much more deserving person with genuine grievances and suffering so it's not wasted on a fucking loser like me who's got nothing to offer the world. I don't want to talk to my parents about my depression it could be a personal attack on them and they may have thinking that they failed me somehow. It could be heartbroken to them that is the thing I've been hiding it from my family, crying myself to sleep then getting up in the morning and pretending like everything's fine because I don't want them to feel bad because of my worthless existence in their lives. I hope I'll just seize to exist one day.
